There are so many different ways to raise a kid these days, and everyone just seems to be the expert, knowing the best way to handle EVERY type of situation. Sometimes, it’s a little overwhelming, others, its down right irritating. Look, I am just trying to do the best I can here. I am trying to give my kids the freedom they so need and protect them from harm all at the same time. Do you know the responsibility that comes with not one but TWO human lives? So the last thing I need is the mom that knows everything and loves to point out E V E R Y single one of my mistakes and faults. Or worse, my child’s faults. Today I am going to tell you all about the 10 types of moms I want to punch in the face.
There are 10 types of moms who I want to punch.
I promise you fall into at least one if not more categories.
Mom #1 Helicopter Mom
This type of mom won’t leaves her kids alone, the one who is always in his face, she is on this list. I really want to punch her because when one of my kids falls she is right there, telling him its ok to cry and coddling him. Uh, excuse me? In my house, if you fall and no one sees it, then there is no reason to cry. So when you rush to his aid and pick him up, you are telling him that he doesn’t need to self-sooth. Yea lady, back up. If his arm isn’t falling off or his head split wide open then I am pretty sure that he’s fine.
Mom #2 The Perfectly Polished Mom
UGGGGH! This mom makes the rest of us normal moms look, well, rather frumpy and dumpy. Honestly, though, I only have time to make sure two humans are decent looking, and I fall into neither of those. Plenty of moms are just fine rocking the lovely legging and t-shirt style, so PPM why can’t you just go with our flow??
Mom #3 The Germ/Dirt-a-phobia
This type of mom hates dirt and becomes a little OCD when it comes to germs. Dirt and germs are a NORMAL part of both childhood and growing up. Germs strengthen the immune system, and dirt is just plain FUN! So please leave your Sunday Church clothing for what it was intended for, and wait to freak out until they are eating old fries that have no shelf life, off the floor of the mini-van, mmkay?
Mom #4 Pinterest Mom
I want to be this type of mom, so bad. The problem is that I just don’t have it in me to be that mom all the time. And when you tell me that the food you made cost the same as me taking my whole family out to eat at a five-course meal, well that just kinda seals the deal. And does your kid even like the food you are making, or are they sitting at the cafeteria tables trading those kale chips for salty fries like some kind of drug deal? Yea, I would rather my kid eat what they like then throw that kinda time money and energy down the literal toilet.
Mom #5 Not My Kid Mom
You know, the mom of a bully who does not believe that sweet little Jimmy would ever really act like a total heathen? That would be the Not My Kid Mom. She believes that Jesus was created in her kid’s image and that YOUR kid must be lying about whatever her sweet boy did. This mom is one I REALLY want to punch in the face. Because while her deviant is out there basically destroying everything in his path, she is telling him he in no way must be accountable for his actions, therefore telling my kid its ok to be a total asshole. Not cool.
Mom #6 Labor Was So Easy Mom
You may very well get punched in the face if you tell me your labor story and it begins with “It was the easiest thing I have ever done” and ends with ” No drugs, less than 5 hours of labor.” Well, I hope it hurt, because between two kids my labor was pushing 50 hours. It was long, and there were not enough drugs to make it even bearable, let alone pain free. Just go away, please.
Mom #6 Not Ready To Be A Mom
I get it, no one is ever ready to be a parent. But when I see you on Facebook being all “holier than thou” mom and then hear that you, in fact, left little Sally with the sitter. AGAIN, and it’s only Wednesday to party, I want to punch you in the face. Really. When the doctor told you it was time to push, that meant that it was time to push all of your needs to the side and be there and present for Sally. She needs her damn mom.
Mom #7 The Over-Sharer
This mom isn’t the worst out of the bunch, but I still sometimes want to punch her in the face. She loves her kids just as much as the rest of us, but she insists on shoving little Tommy’s pooping schedule down our collective throats, E V E R Y damn day. I am happy that your journey of wiping asses is almost complete, but I really don’t need 5 updates a day, honestly.
Mom #8 Extra Fit Mom
If you are not her, then you want to punch her too. She’s the mom who only eats organic, and makes a point to tell you that little Bobby doesn’t eat junk food or sweets, ever. Thank you Fit Mom, for making the rest of us feel the shame everytime our kids open up fruit snacks and suckers.
Mom #9 Soccer Mom
You can spot her a mile away, with her camping chairs and umbrellas and coolers. She knows every play from the coaches playbook and is worse than Lou Piniella when he didn’t like a call that the ump made in Mariners Baseball. She often loses her voice because she is the loudest cheerleader in the stands. I want to punch her, not for cheering on her child, but because she forgets that this is little league and these are just KIDS!
Mom #10 The Know-It-All-Mom
While it is nice to have a know-it-all mom, I still want to punch her in the face. She’s the mom that, while you are talking to another parent, buts into the conversation to correct what you just said. She expects her kid to be a know it all too and often times she becomes the micro-manager that we all hated at our first job. Her kid will most likely be a mini version of her, and if you mispronounce a word, they will drill it into your head until you can not ever get it wrong again.
So, which mom are you?
* all images in this post were found on gratisography.com
(This post is not in any way intended to be serious. If you are offended, though, I would suggest maybe you examine that just a titch.)
Enjoy this Buzzfeed video! I am the last mom by the way 😉
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